I wish I knew what was wrong with me.

I feel like crap. I am overwhelmed, and have no motivation. I spend most mornings until about 9:00 on the couch and spend the rest of the day waiting for the day to be over. My zest for life is gone...with it my self esteem and confidence.

Just looking for the perfect rock to crawl under...

I can so relate to this and I think this really explains what I went through with my strokes and Moyamoya surgery. This is exactly how I felt and exactly how I gave myself to God, giving me the peace and strength that washed over me. It's just amazing...

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9a (NIV)

It started out like any other evening at home. Donny made dinner while Annie attended aerobics class after work. It was a good arrangement. Donny got to practice his cooking skills and Annie got to exercise. Once Annie was home, dinner was served.

Unknowingly, their lives were about to change forever. In the middle of dinner, Annie’s right hand suddenly went numb. Unable to hold her fork, she dropped it to the floor.

“Are you okay?” Donny asked. Annie felt ill. Her head pounded like never before. Something was wrong.

The next day, Annie’s MRI exposed bad news: a brain aneurysm. The good news was it was operable. Alarmed by the dreadful findings, Annie fell to pieces as the doctor explained the procedure. He would start by shaving her head where the incision would be made. Then, the brain specialist would remove the left part of Annie’s skull.

Her heart would have to stop for a split second in order to put a metal clamp around the artery in her brain. This would definitely affect her speech for a while. The doctor couldn’t guarantee how things would turn out, but he was hopeful. Distressed, both Annie and Donny melted with grief.

After sharing the news with friends and family, Annie sank into a deep depression. The unknowns of her condition left her scared stiff. Her mind raced with possible outcomes. She didn’t get out of bed or bathe for days until she visited her pastor. Surely, he could offer her the peace to face her illness. But peace didn’t come during their conversation.

“I need something more,” Annie confessed to her pastor.

“He is what you need,” the pastor said, as he pointed to the large cross hanging at the front of the church. Annie walked slowly toward the cross, knelt down in front of it, and cried out to the Lord. She didn’t ask God to heal her. She didn’t even ask to live through it. “Just give me the strength to do Your will,” Annie pleaded.

At the moment Annie placed her life before God, she was filled with His peace and power. She had no more tears. Annie knew in that moment, no matter what — live or die — everything was going to be fine.

Annie’s surgery was a success. Though it took several months before she could speak again and nearly a year to heal fully, she had something better than a life without trials or sickness. She had the companionship of Christ and the assurance of His strength and enabling grace.

The world’s philosophy says, “What can’t be cured must be endured.” Our key verse says the opposite. What can’t be cured makes us dependent on the power of God. In that dependency, His power is given and we are made strong. I’ve come to learn this truth myself. God doesn’t always remove me from my painful circumstances, but He supports me in them. This strengthens me like none other.

Something amazing happens when we faithfully cry out to the Lord in our weakness and believe in His perfect care. We experience His super-natural power and peace. Our faith suddenly becomes stronger than our fear, and our trust becomes a strong witness to others. Go ahead and be weak when the crisis comes. His strength and grace are sufficient.

Dear Lord, thank You for Your strong grace when my circumstances look bleak. In my weakness, I cry out in utter dependence on You. Make Your power known to me. Be my hope, my peace and my strength. In Jesus’ Name, Amen."

I'm a little down today. Not sure why...PMS, dieting, stress...probably all.

I should feel good, today is a good day of volunteering. I've made a pan of bars and taken them to our church for a funeral today. I'm also delivering lunches today for Lunch Box Fever, an AMAZING program at our church that I am so excited to be part of. Hot, nutritious lunches are made and delivered daily all summer long to children in our community that qualify for free or reduced lunches at school. These are children that may not even have lunch when they are out of school. It is really amazing to be able to help out this program!

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed as well. I'm learning as I go on how to raise my 11 1/2 year old nephew. Thank God he's a good kid! It's my 4 1/2 year old son that is driving me out of my frickin mind! I love my son more than anything, but he is acting out so much now, being mouthy, aggressive towards his sister and just being an all around little turd! We don't know if he's competing for attention with another boy in the house, or if he's just being a normal 4 1/2 year old boy? I have no way to know how he "should be", never having a boy this age before.

Being stressed and overwhelmed makes me crabby, to everyone. I don't try to be, I just am. It is also depressing and I find that my confidence is gone and I am not happy with myself. I don't like this feeling. My self esteem is low right now with all this extra weight. I'm trying though...it's just so hard.

OK, end of pity party...

I would just like to know where I went so wrong...This was me when Aiden was 1 year old.

I was so happy, healthy and thin. I had energy through the roof and I could do anything! I just wish I could pin-point where it all went bad.

An insecure husband played some part. He didn't like "who I'd become", whatever that meant. I was confident and outgoing...he didn't like that. But now that he's lost about 40 pounds I support him and would never degrade him the way he did to me. That was the start of it.

I also had postpartum depression with Aiden. My doctor put me on antidepressants saying "you may gain a few pounds but you look like you could stand to". I was flabbergasted! I felt and looked really good so I was surprised he would say that. I also didn't know that antidepressants gave you belly fat, something I never really had, even after 2 kids. It's the worst kind of fat and the hardest to get rid of.

Then, a year and a half ago I had 3 strokes and was diagnosed with Moyamoya. I had two brain surgeries and was restricted to only walking and swimming. I stopped going to the gym and cancelled my persona training service. I am so afraid of pushing even to the end of my comfort zone, I cannot be pushed passed it by someone who doesn't know me or what I've been through.

I've signed up with the gym here in town again and would like to start slowly there.

I need to get back to the person in that picture. I don't like who I physically am now. It's just not me. :(

I'm a little frustrated right now...

It's bad enough that I have to have the little, daily reminders that I have Moyamoya. It's something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life. It's my problem and no one else's. No one else can possibly understand or know how I feel or deal with it, but you know what? I DO deal with it and I do very well, thank you! I don't mope around or limit myself or use it as an excuse. I'm not handicapped or disabled and I really, really, REALLY! hate it when people treat me like I am or in a way that I perceive that is how they're treating me.

I've overcome so much...damn it, let me be just a normal person. Don't limit me or not let me do something because you are uneducated, or scared of "what if". I'm just me, and if one of the world's best Neurologists/Neurosurgeons say I'm fine...that's good enough for me. It should be for others as well.