This song reminds me of me since my Moyamoya journey...it's Unwell by Matchbox 20. Take a listen if you can.

It's hard to describe but there is definitely a "me" that fits into what I call the BMM (before Moyamoya) category and AMM (yes, after). I see pictures of myself or my family or of anything really and my brain automatically categorizes it as before or after my diagnosis and surgeries. I was definitely a happier, more confident person before. I can see it in myself every day, and I can see it in pictures and videos.

Something changed in my core, my "who I am" with that diagnosis and treatment. I lost ALL confidence in myself. I think because something I trusted so much (myself and my body) failed me, it shook me to my core. I am now anxious about even the simplest things. I take an antidepressant that helps with that as well as low serotonin production. I used to sing at weddings, sing karaoke and now I quit choir at church because of low self esteem issues that hold me back. I suffer from being inadequate, or feeling that I am inadequate, for almost everything I do. And weight loss...don't even get me started on how much weight I've gained since "BMM". Uggg, that is a struggle that I see in the mirror every day that exacerbates all my other feelings. Maybe I need to find a stroke survivors support group, or near death support group or something like that, because I think others would understand what I am going through. It's almost like some kind of PTSD, maybe a support group for that as well. I have so many things to be happy for (I know that's not correct grammer) but yet I am not a happy person, and I'm not sure why.

I know I'm not crazy, just a little unwell...

I am not a fan of thunder and especially lightning. I have always been a weather wuss! I mean, if there is a lot of thunder we'll be in the basement. Right now we're having some loud, long thunder...Uggg! I am debating unplugging everything. Ever since our house was hit by lightning 9 months ago, I am even more afraid of storms. It was such a pain to replace all that was damaged!

Anyway, yesterday was day 1 without sugar. I did pretty well. I forgot for a split second and had a few pieces of my son's dry Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal, mindlessly popped it into my mouth and then thought "what the heck am I doing?" I didn't even realize I was doing it either. Today is my first full day of low carbs (50 or less per day). I am so desperate to get this weight off, so exercise and fewer carbs for me now.

Mother's Day is coming up this weekend and I didn't even realize it. My husband asked what I wanted to do and I have no answer. I really can't think of anything that doesn't involve food. But a good buffet should have enough low carb options to make it worth it.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms out there and especially to all you other "Moyamoya Mommies"!

Happy 2nd Annual World Moyamoya Day!

Today was an emotionally exhausting day. So many suffering from Moyamoya, physical and emotional symptoms, as well as those suffering from the loss of family and friends. I spent the day with many tears; happy and sad. I am so proud of so many who spread awareness and advocate for us!

I posted a lot of stuff on Facebook today. Everything I found actually. I may have gone overboard a little bit, but it would be worth it if one person learned something, or hopefully it could save a life!

We all wore our World Moyamoya Day t-shirts today. I had to bribe my son with ice cream to get him to wear it, but he did. He doesn't like the brain on it. It freaks him out. He's 7 years old, but I know he remembers our trip to San Francisco for my surgeries. I think the memory freaks him out more, and he projects it onto the shirt.

I had my 3 year check up this past summer and had all restrictions removed. My brain looks normal! (Hey, no jokes about if it ever was really "normal") I was also very excited to attend the Stanford Moyamoya patient picnic. It was so awesome to meet so many other patients in person, not just online.

Anyway, I need to get back to blogging because I miss this outlet. There is something very theraputic about writing things out and letting them go into cyber-space.

Good night, peace and happy World Moyamoya Day!