This song reminds me of me since my Moyamoya journey...it's Unwell by Matchbox 20. Take a listen if you can.

It's hard to describe but there is definitely a "me" that fits into what I call the BMM (before Moyamoya) category and AMM (yes, after). I see pictures of myself or my family or of anything really and my brain automatically categorizes it as before or after my diagnosis and surgeries. I was definitely a happier, more confident person before. I can see it in myself every day, and I can see it in pictures and videos.

Something changed in my core, my "who I am" with that diagnosis and treatment. I lost ALL confidence in myself. I think because something I trusted so much (myself and my body) failed me, it shook me to my core. I am now anxious about even the simplest things. I take an antidepressant that helps with that as well as low serotonin production. I used to sing at weddings, sing karaoke and now I quit choir at church because of low self esteem issues that hold me back. I suffer from being inadequate, or feeling that I am inadequate, for almost everything I do. And weight loss...don't even get me started on how much weight I've gained since "BMM". Uggg, that is a struggle that I see in the mirror every day that exacerbates all my other feelings. Maybe I need to find a stroke survivors support group, or near death support group or something like that, because I think others would understand what I am going through. It's almost like some kind of PTSD, maybe a support group for that as well. I have so many things to be happy for (I know that's not correct grammer) but yet I am not a happy person, and I'm not sure why.

I know I'm not crazy, just a little unwell...