I wish I knew what was wrong with me.

I feel like crap. I am overwhelmed, and have no motivation. I spend most mornings until about 9:00 on the couch and spend the rest of the day waiting for the day to be over. My zest for life is gone...with it my self esteem and confidence.

Just looking for the perfect rock to crawl under...

I can so relate to this and I think this really explains what I went through with my strokes and Moyamoya surgery. This is exactly how I felt and exactly how I gave myself to God, giving me the peace and strength that washed over me. It's just amazing...

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9a (NIV)

It started out like any other evening at home. Donny made dinner while Annie attended aerobics class after work. It was a good arrangement. Donny got to practice his cooking skills and Annie got to exercise. Once Annie was home, dinner was served.

Unknowingly, their lives were about to change forever. In the middle of dinner, Annie’s right hand suddenly went numb. Unable to hold her fork, she dropped it to the floor.

“Are you okay?” Donny asked. Annie felt ill. Her head pounded like never before. Something was wrong.

The next day, Annie’s MRI exposed bad news: a brain aneurysm. The good news was it was operable. Alarmed by the dreadful findings, Annie fell to pieces as the doctor explained the procedure. He would start by shaving her head where the incision would be made. Then, the brain specialist would remove the left part of Annie’s skull.

Her heart would have to stop for a split second in order to put a metal clamp around the artery in her brain. This would definitely affect her speech for a while. The doctor couldn’t guarantee how things would turn out, but he was hopeful. Distressed, both Annie and Donny melted with grief.

After sharing the news with friends and family, Annie sank into a deep depression. The unknowns of her condition left her scared stiff. Her mind raced with possible outcomes. She didn’t get out of bed or bathe for days until she visited her pastor. Surely, he could offer her the peace to face her illness. But peace didn’t come during their conversation.

“I need something more,” Annie confessed to her pastor.

“He is what you need,” the pastor said, as he pointed to the large cross hanging at the front of the church. Annie walked slowly toward the cross, knelt down in front of it, and cried out to the Lord. She didn’t ask God to heal her. She didn’t even ask to live through it. “Just give me the strength to do Your will,” Annie pleaded.

At the moment Annie placed her life before God, she was filled with His peace and power. She had no more tears. Annie knew in that moment, no matter what — live or die — everything was going to be fine.

Annie’s surgery was a success. Though it took several months before she could speak again and nearly a year to heal fully, she had something better than a life without trials or sickness. She had the companionship of Christ and the assurance of His strength and enabling grace.

The world’s philosophy says, “What can’t be cured must be endured.” Our key verse says the opposite. What can’t be cured makes us dependent on the power of God. In that dependency, His power is given and we are made strong. I’ve come to learn this truth myself. God doesn’t always remove me from my painful circumstances, but He supports me in them. This strengthens me like none other.

Something amazing happens when we faithfully cry out to the Lord in our weakness and believe in His perfect care. We experience His super-natural power and peace. Our faith suddenly becomes stronger than our fear, and our trust becomes a strong witness to others. Go ahead and be weak when the crisis comes. His strength and grace are sufficient.

Dear Lord, thank You for Your strong grace when my circumstances look bleak. In my weakness, I cry out in utter dependence on You. Make Your power known to me. Be my hope, my peace and my strength. In Jesus’ Name, Amen."

I'm a little down today. Not sure why...PMS, dieting, stress...probably all.

I should feel good, today is a good day of volunteering. I've made a pan of bars and taken them to our church for a funeral today. I'm also delivering lunches today for Lunch Box Fever, an AMAZING program at our church that I am so excited to be part of. Hot, nutritious lunches are made and delivered daily all summer long to children in our community that qualify for free or reduced lunches at school. These are children that may not even have lunch when they are out of school. It is really amazing to be able to help out this program!

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed as well. I'm learning as I go on how to raise my 11 1/2 year old nephew. Thank God he's a good kid! It's my 4 1/2 year old son that is driving me out of my frickin mind! I love my son more than anything, but he is acting out so much now, being mouthy, aggressive towards his sister and just being an all around little turd! We don't know if he's competing for attention with another boy in the house, or if he's just being a normal 4 1/2 year old boy? I have no way to know how he "should be", never having a boy this age before.

Being stressed and overwhelmed makes me crabby, to everyone. I don't try to be, I just am. It is also depressing and I find that my confidence is gone and I am not happy with myself. I don't like this feeling. My self esteem is low right now with all this extra weight. I'm trying though...it's just so hard.

OK, end of pity party...

I would just like to know where I went so wrong...This was me when Aiden was 1 year old.

I was so happy, healthy and thin. I had energy through the roof and I could do anything! I just wish I could pin-point where it all went bad.

An insecure husband played some part. He didn't like "who I'd become", whatever that meant. I was confident and outgoing...he didn't like that. But now that he's lost about 40 pounds I support him and would never degrade him the way he did to me. That was the start of it.

I also had postpartum depression with Aiden. My doctor put me on antidepressants saying "you may gain a few pounds but you look like you could stand to". I was flabbergasted! I felt and looked really good so I was surprised he would say that. I also didn't know that antidepressants gave you belly fat, something I never really had, even after 2 kids. It's the worst kind of fat and the hardest to get rid of.

Then, a year and a half ago I had 3 strokes and was diagnosed with Moyamoya. I had two brain surgeries and was restricted to only walking and swimming. I stopped going to the gym and cancelled my persona training service. I am so afraid of pushing even to the end of my comfort zone, I cannot be pushed passed it by someone who doesn't know me or what I've been through.

I've signed up with the gym here in town again and would like to start slowly there.

I need to get back to the person in that picture. I don't like who I physically am now. It's just not me. :(

I'm a little frustrated right now...

It's bad enough that I have to have the little, daily reminders that I have Moyamoya. It's something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life. It's my problem and no one else's. No one else can possibly understand or know how I feel or deal with it, but you know what? I DO deal with it and I do very well, thank you! I don't mope around or limit myself or use it as an excuse. I'm not handicapped or disabled and I really, really, REALLY! hate it when people treat me like I am or in a way that I perceive that is how they're treating me.

I've overcome so much...damn it, let me be just a normal person. Don't limit me or not let me do something because you are uneducated, or scared of "what if". I'm just me, and if one of the world's best Neurologists/Neurosurgeons say I'm fine...that's good enough for me. It should be for others as well.

It's a boy! An 11 1/2 year old boy!

My nephew is now living with us. He will be with us for a year. His mother is in the Army and was "mobilized" (MOBED, as she calls it, I don't know Army lingo) to a place that isn't safe for families and children, on the Texas/Mexico boarder. He will be with us until the end of the school year next summer.

I lived with my Aunt for a year when I was five and did Kindergarten while living with them, so I know what it is like to be away from you Mom and family. It's not all fun and games, I really missed my mom during that time, as I'm sure my nephew does as well. I know how important it is to make him feel welcome and like he is part of our family. One of our spare bedrooms was the kids playroom. It is now my nephew's bedroom. I moved the playroom to our finished basement and completely renovated the room to be "his" room. I knew how important it is to have your own space, your own retreat, your own place within this family. It turned out awesome and he really likes it. He said it was the first time in many years that he had his own room. He quickly unpacked and made it his own with his pictures and posters. It looks awesome...like a child's room should!

I can see some major adjustments already. He and my 6 year old daughter like to ride scooters around our neighborhood. This is not something we have let her do before without one of us with her, but I have let go a little bit and allowed them to as long as they check in every few minutes. Unfortunately, my 4 1/2 year old son doesn't get to go with them. He doesn't understand that on the road he still needs adult supervision. I try to distract him with other things, but most of the time this ends in a fit of crying on his part. We've tried to explain to him (as best as you can to a 4 1/2 year old) that because of his age and maturity level, he can't do everything that the older kids do. Also, there are things that my nephew can do that my daughter can't do either. This is an adjustment that we're dealing with, with some pretty good success.

Yesterday I had to get after my nephew and daughter for disobeying my husband and I on where they can ride their scooters. We have a road, the "loop" that starts right by our house, loops around a section of homes and then pretty much ends right by our house as well. There is no other outside access to this road other than near our house. We allow them to ride the loop as long as they check in every time they pass our house. We also allow them to ride in a new, out-of-the-way area of a new part of a housing development near us. There is only one house there, and brand new smooth roads with almost no car traffic. Unfortunately, this area has river access. We told them that they could ride there as well, BUT DO NOT GO BEYOND THE PICNIC HOUSE TOWARDS THE RIVER!

I think you can see where this is going...

Yesterday my daughter asked me if they could ride the loop and I said they could as long as they checked in. I didn't consult my nephew, I just took my daughter's word that's what they were going to do. After 10 minutes...no check in. 15 minutes...no check in...almost 25 minutes and still no check in. I kept looking for them outside during this time and didn't see or hear them. I knew where they were...down by the river. My son and I got in the car and drove down there and sure enough...scooters and helmets sitting in the picnic house but no sign of them. I tried not to panic and stayed calm until I saw them both, about a block away down a trail along the river's edge. I was pissed! I yelled for them to come pack and them yelled AT them as soon as they were in ear shot. They knew we'd told them to never go past the picnic house by the river. It's a big, strong river, that is still flooded right now due to the wet Spring we've had. I told them both to get home. I made them ride while I drove so that I would have time to cool down and think about what I was going to do rather than react on my fear and angry emotions. I also called my husband at work to verify that he too did in fact tell them not to go down where they were. We talked and they are both now grounded from their scooters for the rest of the week and I explained to them why it is so dangerous and what could have happened.

It was the first time I had to discipline my nephew, but I knew I had to do something to set a precedence, that he had to listen to us and that there would be consequences if he didn't. After calmly talking it out, I think we now have that set.

All is good again now.

“Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms.” 1 Peter 4:10 (NIV)

This is from my reading this morning. I start everyday off first thing with a daily devotion. This one today really resonates with me. Before Moyamoya this may have meant nothing to me, but now it couldn't be more appropriate.

I have heard some people who survive a serious illness call it a gift. I thought that was crazy! How could something that had the potential to kill you be a gift? I don't think the disease and the subsequent suffering from it is the gift. I think, as it has been for me, the gift is the wake up call for your life. I considered myself a Christian prior to Moyamoya, but I didn't give my life over to God, and let His will be my way. God wants us. He wants us to want Him, to love Him and to seek out His love and mercy. Sometimes, for some, it takes a real attention getter, like a serious life-altering experience. Moyamoya was that for me. Personally, my strength came from giving myself to God, putting my life literally in His hands and letting go. Strength came from reaffirming my belief that Jesus Christ is my one true Savior. I feel I was born again during that time of strife in my life. By giving myself to Him it allowed me to be strong for my family and accept that I needed help from others. I couldn't do it all by myself, I am not the super woman I thought I was. I was humbled by this enlightenment. I was also humbled my the amount of love I was shown by my friends, family and even strangers I had never met who were praying for me.

I feel that my gift is the knowledge of Moyamoya and I want to share it with whomever will listen. There HAS to be a reason that I was diagnosed and treated so quickly, when so many others suffer for many months or years. Some for a lifetime. I am trying to share my experience and knowledge with others, with the help and grace of God. I want to be there for others with Moyamoya, give them advice, an ear to bend or a shoulder to cry on. I feel this is my calling and my gift.